Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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