Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
So he says he needs "alone time" a day that he doesnt have to deal with anyone. should i be concerned?
I think in guy language thats " Im fucking someone else and dont want u catching me"
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
