What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
