did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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