I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
