1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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