The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Randomize
