you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Randomize
