Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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