All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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