if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
23 Bosses Confess The Craziest Thing They’ve Seen An Employee Do
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
19 People Confess What It’s Like To Have Sex With Someone That Is Transitioning
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend