I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics