just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it