I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?