Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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