Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
