finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
