I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
