his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
