Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
