I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
