i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
