Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
