Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
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