He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
3pm strippers are depressing
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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