I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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