Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
