life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
