Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
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