At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
