How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
