I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
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