Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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