It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
