shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Randomize
