My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
