But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
