i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
