Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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