last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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