i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
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