So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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