Little spoons don't ask big questions
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
We need a shit load of segways right now
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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