How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
