I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
