Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
how can u be prego again
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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