we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Randomize
