she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
