How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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