My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
