Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
