We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
