So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
