Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
