remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
