Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
