I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
