I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Let's get the cat blown out
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
