Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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