Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
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