I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
