dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
