I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
