Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
That accounts for only three of the penises
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
